


ultraviolence

by alltears



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, Canon Trans Character, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Established Blupjeans, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Healing, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kravitz is Jewish Because I Said So, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, it is but also they're a fucking BAND and its FUN, most of this happened in the past, projecting onto taako taaco because i am weak, taako is horny and i think that should be allowed, this makes it sound really emo, unfortunately that bastard makes an appearance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22901851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltears/pseuds/alltears
Summary: Kravitz didn't mean to take over Taako's band, it just sort of... happened.aka: a shitty ex, tiktok, falling in love, and a muthafuckin rock band.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup (Background), Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides (mentioned), Killian/Carey Fangbattle (background), Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Sazed/Taako (The Adventure Zone) (past)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 50





	1. fine, great

**Author's Note:**

> HEY! are you fuckin hyped to read a BAND AU??? for A DND PODCAST???? me too dawg!!  
> im the kind of loser that makes playlists for her fics so... here you go! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2QQ6IiP8eHqeX4tXf32yPv?si=rRsKxqFgT-SzRw33uRs2Ng
> 
> this is covered in the chapter, but for clarity:  
> bass/lead vocals/songwriter: taako  
> violin/backing vocals: lup  
> keys: barry  
> drums: magnus  
> manager: merle
> 
> title from lana del rey  
> chapter title from modern baseball
> 
> content warnings for this chapter:  
> vague references to past sexual abuse

“This is important, Taako. Can you please stop watching TikToks?”

“Jesus, fine. But you better start getting a  _ lot  _ more interesting, kemosabe,” Taako clicked off his phone and crossed his arms on the table in front of him. “You’re taking up Taako Time.”

“Okay, well, don’t freak out,” Magnus started. Taako raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, already preparing to freak out. “And know that we love everything you bring to Starblaster! Like, you’re an amazing performer and your vocals are fuckin’  _ choice _ ! Plus, where would we be without your logo design? And your outfit critiques! And-”

“Kid, just spit it out,” Merle piped up from around the plastic straw of his iced coffee. Magnus’ face warmed as he tried to continue but couldn’t get any words out. His eyes quickly darted to Merle on his left as a plea to take over, and then found himself very interested in the Starbucks customers and decor that allowed him to avoid Taako’s sharp gaze. “God. We’re finding a new songwriter, okay?”

“What?” Taako yelped. “Why the fuck - We’ve been singing my songs for  _ years _ ! Now you have a problem with them?”

“They’re good songs, Taako, honest!” Magnus resigned, placing an open hand on the table for Taako to take. Taako glared down at it until Magnus slid it back to his side to drum his fingers on the side of his cup. “It’s just that they’re a bit… What’s the word? Um…”

“Brilliant and revolutionary? I agree!”   
  


“Horny, Taako. Slutty,” Merle said at last. “And the titles make no sense! Why is one of your songs about blowjobs - yes,  _ one of _ \- called “LSD at 11am”? You don’t sing anything about drugs or mornings in the entire song!”

“‘Cause I was tripping on LSD at 11:00 when I wrote it!”

“No one else could possibly know that, though! We just think it might be time for a newer sound,” Merle countered. A deep frown spread across Taako’s face. 

“Who’s ‘we’?”

“Um… Me, Merle, Barry, and-”

“You better not say-”

“Lup.”

“That traitor bitch!”

“Hey!” Merle slammed his hand down, making his friends jump. “As manager, I am insisting that you are least hear us out, kiddo. Executive decision.”

“Who’s gonna write the songs now, then, huh? You two? Fuckin’  _ Barry _ ?” 

“Actually,” Magnus smiled gently. “Barry knows a guy. They’ve had a few science classes together. I just met him the other day - saw some of his stuff - and he’s really good! I think you’d get along!”

“Doubtful.”

“He’s kinda goth. That’s cool, right?” Taako considered this for a moment before nodding, slowly.

“That… doesn’t suck.”

Magnus and Merle broke out into equally cheesy grins at Taako’s reluctant agreement. 

“Great! We’ll have him come in for an official audition tomorrow,” Taako hummed, his frown still present but lesser. 

“Hey,” Magnus patted the wood in front of them and placed his hand over Taako’s. Once Taako made eye contact, he continued, squeezing Taako’s hand lightly. “Starblaster is still  _ us _ . None of us are going anywhere, including you. We won’t do anything drastic unless we’re  _ all  _ on board. Okay?”

“Okay.”

\---

Taako is decisively  _ not  _ okay.

Leaving the Starbucks was an anxious, quiet blur. Taako’s mind apparently decided to leave his body for the conversation post-life-shattering band news, leaving him with a headache as he tried to remember exactly how he got back to his apartment.  _ There was an Uber involved, right? _

Merle, Magnus, and Taako birthed Starblaster three years earlier, purely out of boredom, weed, and vague musical talent. Soon after, Merle wanted to spend more time with his kids and stopped playing guitar, Lup learned violin, and then she fell in love with a pianist. The pieces just sort of fell into place, and then snowballed into small-but-sold-out gigs and brief tours. It worked.

Taako thought it worked.

They all had their places. Merle managed (allegedly), Magnus drummed, Lup did violin and occasional backing vocals, Barry played piano, and Taako wrote, sang, and played bass. It left him with a lot of work, but it was work he loved to do. They were making just enough money for him to only work as a chef part-time, and they were growing fast. That meant it was working - no, it meant  _ his songs  _ were working.

Slutty, they said. Taako wasn’t a slut. He’d been called that before 

_ slut / whore / asking for it _

but he wasn’t. He wasn’t.

_ right? _

Taako didn’t do much beside stare at his wall for the rest of the day. 

\---

Their rehearsal space - which was not a rehearsal space for a band but really a practice and game space for a roller derby team - wasn’t in their usual set-up when Taako begrudgingly arrived. For them, the room is traditionally set up early by Magnus and Merle with their drum kit, amps, and mic stands that are otherwise lugged around in Merle’s van - which just so happened to be the namesake for The Starblaster itself.

It’s an unattractive warehouse, with uneventful grey walls and a matching concrete floor stained occasionally with blood from the previous weekend’s bouts. The high walls are covered tip to toe in dirty auditorium seats. It isn’t the best arrangement, but the ceilings make for some great acoustics.

Today, however, there were five plastic chairs set behind a plain beige table, all but one already occupied by Merle, Magnus, Barry, and Lup. Truth be told, Lup was sort of in Barry’s chair as well as her own, based on how close they were sitting. They were cute together. Even someone as cynical as Taako could recognize that.

Lup sat at excited attention upon Taako’s arrival. She began to pat the seat next to her repeatedly as he trudged over, not stopping until he was sitting. 

“Yes, hello, Lulu.” Taako dropped into the chair and slumped immediately over onto his arms laced together on the table. 

“Listen,” Lup started gently. “Take this in baby steps. All you have to do today is meet a guy.”

“I hate meeting guys,” Taako huffed. The sound was muffled by his arms, and he shifted to face Lup. She leaned over to meet his eyeline and grinned.

“That’s new.”

A comment like that would normally offend Taako, but not when it came from Lup. His hard demeanor finally cracked with a quiet giggle. With a sigh, Taako sat up and slapped his hands onto his thighs.

“Alright, fine. Let’s meet this bozo.”

As if on cue, the door to the warehouse creeped open, and in stepped a tall, chiseled man with dreads pulled into a bun on the top of his head. He was dressed so unlike the rest of them; instead of stained band tees and ripped pants and skirts, he sported a tailor-fit black button-down and tight plaid pants with a fucking ring on a necklace and  _ dress shoes _ . Taako glanced down at his heels and his sister’s sock-feet, second-hand embarrassment filling his chest. A breathless, nervous laugh escaped from the man when he stopped in front of the band. 

“Hello. Barry, Magnus. Nice to see you again,” the man spoke softly, his voice melodic and dark. His eyes darted back and forth between them all. He glanced over Taako and back to Lup before meeting Taako’s eyes again in a nearly cartoonish double-take. The man smiled despite Taako’s air of standoffishness that he always carried around strangers before focusing his attention back to the others.

“You too!” Barry said. “What have you got for us today, Kravitz?”

The man -  _ Kravitz _ , Taako’s mind supplied - reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small eggplant-colored notebook. He flipped through it, landing on a page halfway through. Kravitz cleared his throat and began to read.

“This is a verse I wrote the other day. ‘When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair, but most are just unremarkable, unintentional, and clumsy’,” Kravitz looked up, his eyes anxious. “And-and I have the chords for it too, I just don’t play guitar or bass, so that would be, uh,” he gestured towards Taako. 

“How would you describe your music?” Lup asked, her face unemotional, giving away nothing in terms of how she felt about his work.

“Oh, uh, Samsa meets… Harry Styles, meets The Front Bottoms. Does that…?”

Lup nodded silently. Taako felt her eyes on him for a split second, no doubt trying to gauge his opinion. There wasn’t a need, really. They all knew that The Front Bottoms were a direct inspiration for Taako’s sound.

“Let’s hear some music,” Taako spoke up. Kravitz looked to Barry.

“Could you play? 3/4, waltzy-rock feel,” Barry pushed out of his chair and jogged to his keyboard.

“Chords?” Barry asked, turning on the instrument and adjusting the volume.

“A minor, E major, A-flat major first inversion, and then walk it down to D major. Got it?” Kravitz’s demeanor shifted as he spoke, suddenly confident and concise. When Barry nodded, Kravitz signaled for him to start with a point and began to sing. “ _ I wish I could tell you that everyday from now will be amazing, but every day will be made better because she’s in it with you. You aren’t going to be alone ever again. You’ll still never be alone. You’ll still never be alone. You’ll still never be alone. _ Thanks, Barry.”

Kravitz was a beautiful baritone. Every note was exactly on pitch, and he had a powerful energy that commanded the room when he began. His eyes fluttered close as he hit a slower legato section. It was gorgeous.  _ He  _ was gorgeous.

_ Fuck _ . 

Barry had barely played the final chord before Lup and Magnus were on their feet, applauding and hollering. Taako momentarily felt assured by Merle’s silence, but when he looked over at the other side of the table, his manager was smiling widely, proudly.

“I might be alone on this, but I’ve just gotta say it,” Magnus stood. “Kravitz, I think you should join the band. As a songwriter  _ and  _ a singer.”

“Whoa, really?” Kravitz dropped his notebook and sequentially jumped when it hit the ground. Wringing his hands together, he continued. “I’d be - yeah! I’d love that!”

Taako tried to speak, willed himself to protest. Sound could hardly come out around the tightness of his throat and the hurt in his heart.

“But  _ I’m _ -”

“Let’s put it to a vote! All in favor of making Kravitz our singer and songwriter, say 'aye'!”

A chorus of ‘aye’s rang in Taako’s ears. Lup hesitated, placed a hand on Taako’s knee, and agreed with a final ‘aye’.

“Taako?” Barry looked at him expectantly. “Come on, buddy, make it unanimous.”

Barry’s condescending words made something in Taako snap.

“Why would you need my vote to kick me out of the band? Seems a bit unnecessary, no?” Taako got up with a huff and grabbed his tote bag and bass case from the ground.

“Taako, that’s not what’s happening!” Lup protested.

“Yeah? What would you call it then?”

“Growing a brand! Expanding our sound! You have to admit that he’s good!”

“I don’t have to admit shit.”

“I didn’t wanna do this,” Merle said. “But we outvote you, Taako, 4 to 1. Kravitz is joining the band, that’s final. You will all show up for rehearsal tomorrow night.”

Taako’s grip tightened on his case and his jaw clenched. Desperate for some sort of leniency, he looked to Barry, who pointedly wouldn’t make eye contact, Magnus, who was too caught up with smiling dumbly at Kravitz, Lup, who was staring fiercely into his eyes with determination and confidence, and lastly, Kravitz himself, who was looking at him with his mouth open and his brow furrowed in concern. It pissed Taako off. 

“Fucking-” Taako ran a hand through his thick hair and shook his head. “Fine. Who gives a shit?”

Maybe he was being dramatic - usually, he was - but forgive him if it stung to be “not” replaced by a hotter, more talented man by his family in front of his very eyes. He could understand Barry, since they’re friends but Merle? Magnus, his pseudo-brother? Lup, his  _ actual sister _ ? It was a betrayal. They were Judas, he was Jesus.

(Even Taako felt ridiculous thinking that one).

With a huff, Taako began to storm out. When he passed Kravitz, however, he paused and bent from the waist to pick up the fallen notebook. He wasn’t a

_ slut / whore / asking for it _

but he was going to show this asshole just who he was working against.

“You dropped this,” Taako pushed the book into Kravitz’s chest a bit harder than necessary, taking a small amount of pride in the way Kravitz was forced to take a step back. Choosing to ignore Magnus’ muttered scolding at his actions, Taako spun on his heel and exited before anyone could get another word in.


	2. butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let's fix this, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter two already? WHAT? almost like i don't do anything productive other than write! haha. ha.  
> spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2QQ6IiP8eHqeX4tXf32yPv?si=rRsKxqFgT-SzRw33uRs2Ng  
> i recommend listening to it (or at least look at the track list) because i imagine these are the songs they sing - especially flobots!
> 
> chapter title: butterflies by samsa
> 
> content warnings for this chapter:  
> classic problems with self-worth, blink-and-you-miss-it reference to past sexual abuse

Taako’s daily routine was not as glamorous as he looked. He met Magnus and Merle through a Craigslist ad for new roommates, and thankfully, they turned out to genuinely like each other. Of course, over time, Merle moved out to be closer to Mookie and Mavis, Magnus moved in with his now-wife (which was a wedding Taako was incredibly proud to be the best man for), and Lup had left him for Barry’s apartment two months prior. Even with those months to get adjusted to living on his own, Taako still struggled. Silence made him lonely and tired, Taako learned. He hadn’t lived alone in his entire life. Hell, even when he was living with Sazed, at least he wasn’t… 

No. Things were much better. But that didn’t mean Taako had to like this arrangement.

Work was boring. He kicked ass at culinary school, but he quickly discovered that being the head chef at Olive Garden wasn’t fulfilling for him in the slightest. Luckily, he had The Starblaster. They thought their bits of local fame were a passing fluke, but remarkably, it stayed. It  _ grew _ , even, to the point where they could proudly call themselves “hipster indie cool”.

Work, rehearsal, performance, repeat. It wasn’t perfect, but it was nice. He got to make money by playing music with his family. It was a dream come true.

\---

Twenty minutes before even Magnus and Merle would arrive, Taako was at the warehouse. He’d thought about not showing, but substituted that for being the bigger person. Sort of. He just wanted to look like the bigger person, really. No, Taako put his hair up in a delicate braid and dressed himself in his deepest v-neck with his tightest pair of slacks. Demote him all they want, but Taako will always be the face of The Starblaster. 

Choosing to take the extra time to center himself, Taako pulled out his bass. After some brief tuning, he strummed and hummed quietly to himself. Lup had started violin fairly recently, but Taako had been playing 6-strings since before he cooked. It started with a used ukulele left at their house by a distant cousin. Taako was only seven or so, barely in school, when he found it in the guest room and decided to mess around with it. Lup was jealous, of course, once the noise started to actually sound like music, but she understood soon enough that this was his thing and his thing only. 

Now, music belongs to them both.

Taako all but ignored Magnus and Merle when they arrived. They unloaded the van loudly, clunckly, but Taako tuned it out in favor of his small bit of peace with him, his voice, and his bass.

Lup and Barry came in after some time, laughing sleepily with warm cups of tea in their hands from the Starbucks next door.

“What up, Koko?” His sister approached him gleefully and handed him her cup. He took it, grateful for the warmth it provided in contrast to the cool, dingy space. 

“Nothin’,” Taako took a sip and gave it back to her. “Just… playing.”

Her smile dampened, but, because she was his twin, she patted his head lightly once, then twice, and let him be. 

Taako had just found his way back to the song he was playing when the door swung a final time and Kravitz, handsome as ever, shuffled in. Covered in snow, he took a moment to stomp snow off his dark boots and brush snowflakes off of his dreads, which were resting on his shoulders today.

Kravitz smiled brightly, excitedly as he took in the scene in front of him. Everyone (save for Taako, naturally) leeched onto Kravitz straight away, taking his coat and multiple bags, welcoming him warmly. Taako stayed on the floor, observing with a critical eye. Kravitz seemed nice enough, if he was truly honest with himself. He just hoped that he knew Taako wasn’t going to be stepping back quietly - for his sake.

Hoping to appear off-putting and unapproachable, Taako refocused his attention to tuning his already-tuned bass.

If Kravitz walked towards him before even setting down his stuff, well, Taako didn’t notice the shadow in his field of vision or the clicking of his dress shoes on the concrete.

“Taako,” Kravitz started. It wasn’t a question nor a command, simply an invitation. Taako’s fingers stopped plucking as he weighed his options.  _ Ignore him? Say something cruel and scathing? _ He looked up at the man looming over him. Kravitz was holding a large pan of something. There was an obnoxious pink fanny pack around his broad chest. Kravitz opened his mouth to speak again, but then closed it awkwardly, floundering. Taako simply raised an eyebrow and broke eye contact dismissively.

Instead of leaving, though, Kravitz sat down in front of him, despite the thin visible layer of grime and dirt covering the floor. 

“Taako,” Kravitz repeated, crossing his legs to mirror Taako’s position. “We got off to the wrong start.”

Because he is Taako, and he is an asshole, he replied, “I wonder why that is, don’t you? Do you think it’s because of when you replaced me, or because of when you replaced me?”

Kravitz winced and sniffed.  _ Serves him right to be uncomfortable. _

“I made these for you,” Kravitz placed the pan in between them and removed its plastic lid to reveal a row of homemade brownies. This was new. This was an upset. Taako blinked at them, and then back up at Kravtiz, completely taken off-guard. “They’re brownies.”

“I… see that.”

“Barry told me you were a chef,” Kravitz filled in at last. “I’m not a professional, but I like to think I can bake well.”

“Barry’s been talking about me, huh?” Taako jumped at the chance to attack. “What else has he told you? That I’m melodramatic? That I’m a shit writer and a shit singer? That I’m a slut? Huh?”

He didn’t mean to say all that.

Remarkably, Kravitz took it in stride.

“No, just that you were his girlfriend’s brother. And, the chef thing, of course.”

“Oh,” the sound was punched out of his chest by the borderline-refusal of Kravitz to feel confused or annoyed by Taako. 

“Yeah, I,” Kravitz took a deep breath and leaned back with his weight on his hands behind him. “I hope you like them. Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Taako parroted. 

“Yeah,” Kravitz mocked. It didn’t sting, though - Kravitz smiled warmly, kindly, like he was enjoying their messy, awkward conversation. It made Taako want to smile, too. He didn’t. “Oh, I almost forgot!” Kravitz unzipped his fanny pack and extracted a small, stapled packet of paper that was folded over at least four times. His long fingers unfolded it with care and flicked through the pages quickly. Then, he slid the brownies out of the way and pressed the packet down, smoothing out the folds, where the pan just was. “Look here.”

“What’s all this?” Taako peered over what he quickly realized was pages and pages of sheet music.

“The first song I want us to do. I finished it last night. I read a verse at my audition, remember?” Taako nodded.

“Yeah, the one about abrupt exits?”

“Exactly! I made it a duet. For us. Plus,” Kravitz flipped ahead in the score and pointed at a section of measures. “Isn’t this bass line cool? Feel free to improv a bit here, too!”

“I don’t want your pity,” Taako huffed.

“You don’t have it?” There was the Taako-induced confusion. “You’re really talented, Taako. I want to work with you, not against you.”

Annoyingly, the urge to hate Kravitz was lessening. At this point, Taako knows a good dude from a bad one, and fuck if Kravitz didn’t seem to be genuine. Damn this handsome man and his intelligent writing.

“Sure. Let’s see how this baby sounds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed the second chapter! next one will be up tomorrow. leave me a comment and i'll love youuuu.
> 
> twitter: cogeneraIs  
> tumblr: alltears
> 
> im also open for fic commissions - hmu on twitter!


	3. creep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after the rainbow comes the rain...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! im posting two chapters today because i don't want this one to stand on its own.
> 
> PLEASE READ: i write this story as a survivor of sexual assault. my experiences are not universal, but they are real. sazed is horrible and his actions are indisputably evil. that cannot be fixed by alcohol, drugs, sex, or anything other than love and support from friends, family, and health professionals.
> 
> title from creep by radiohead
> 
> content warnings for this chapter:  
> sexual assault, mentions of alcohol, panic attacks, issues with self-worth, slut-shaming, dissociation.
> 
> to skip sexual assault, stop reading the chapter when taako says "come in". brief summary of what happens will be at the end notes.
> 
> please do not read if this is potentially triggering to you. reach out to me if you need to talk to someone. stay safe <3

“Thank you!” Taako yelled into the mic, forcing himself to project over the noise of the crowd. “We are Starblaster!” Another cheer spread out over the large audience. “This is usually where we end our show, but let’s first give it up for our newest member, Kravitz!”

Taako allowed himself to look over to Kravitz where he stood next to him. He waved shyly. Though he couldn’t hear it, Taako could tell Kravtiz was giggling at the attention from the way his shoulders shook and adam’s apple bobbed. He watched in awe as Kravitz turned to him and, in what felt like slow motion, winked with the biggest, cheesiest grin he’d seen from him in the two weeks they’d known each other.

There was no denying that Kravitz and Taako got off to a rocky start. Despite his best efforts, however, Kravitz began to grow on him. The brownies weren’t half bad, and neither was his company. It gave him someone to talk to when Barry and Lup were canoodling and Merle and Magnus were talking about dumb football games.

Their first gig with Kravitz approached all too soon. The show was sold out, of course, at a small bar/venue called “The Bureau”. Personally, it was Taako’s favorite place to perform. The Starblaster’s first show with Magnus, Lup, Barry, and Taako was at The Bureau - back then, they were opening for some other band that they had since long surpassed in popularity.

Damn, if Kravitz wasn’t killer on stage; Not in the way Taako was, with all his sharp edges, flashy, glittery costumes, and the enticing sway of his hips against his bass. No, Kravitz was softer, calm in a way that lured you in and made the audience really want to listen to what he was about to say or sing. 

“And as always, Magnus Burnsides on the drums, Lup Taaco on violin, Barry Bluejeans on keys, and - oh, what’s this?” Taako put a finger to his ear as though being told something through an earpiece. “Taako on the bass guitar! Thank you, Bureau! Don’t drink and drive! Goodnight!”

All five of them were giggling and grinning as they ended, exited, and then to when they greeted with open arms by Merle backstage - quite literally, as none of them could escape the proud hug of Merle Highchurch. Taako had just broken from Merle when Lup jumped onto his back, digging fingernails into his shoulders.

“Great show!” Lup screamed, directly into his ear. Taako patted her leg and she dropped back to the ground. Beaming, Taako turned to face her. 

“Yeah, we sorta crushed it, huh?” He added nonchalantly. Lup punched his shoulder playfully before locking eyes with Barry and rushing over to be swept up in his embrace. 

Suddenly, there was warmth at the base of Taako’s spine. The touch sent a shiver up through his back. Taako whirled around to face the culprit and was met with the resting hand brushing across his hip and stomach as he turned. Kravitz promptly removed his hand as though it had been bit, opting instead to crack his knuckles with all the casualness of meeting parents on the first date.

“Sorry, I,” Kravitz cleared his thought. “Great job out there!”

“Natch. Not bad for a newbie, guy.”

“Hey, thanks!” He chuckled and waved a hand dismissively. Humble bastard. Taako’s stomach tightened, low and warm.

“Of course, my man,” Taako shrugged. “Wanna grab a drink? Celebrate?”

“Oh, I… Really?” The tips of Kravitz’s ears went pink.

“The Davy Lamp. We go after every show. Well, every good one, at least.”

Kravitz visibly relaxed, his shoulders losing some tension and dropping. Taako pretended he wasn’t at least mildly offended.

Lup and Barry left for The Davy Lamp first, claiming a desire to get their favorite booth before the midnight rush - with their extra time, they were definitely just going to make out in Lup’s Jeep. Honestly, who could blame them? They were young and in love, and all that. It was nice to see Lup so stupidly head-over-heels for a change, instead of salty and sassy. She still was consistently bitter day to day, but that was in her blood.

Merle forced Kravitz to help Magnus load the van, declaring it was a “rite of passage” for newbies - he certainly made it up on the spot, not wanting to lug around any big machines for once. Once, they tried to get Taako to do the heavy lifting, but that had ended only in an absurd amount of chipped nails and a trip to the ER over a sprained toe. That mistake was never made again. Kravitz was a nicer man than Taako could ever be, though, and didn’t complain or whine at all. He left in the van with Magnus and Merle.

Taako was at last left with his thoughts in the dressing room backstage. There was a mirror and a vanity in the corner - the kind with the fancy bulbs surrounding the glass - that Taako found himself at, alone, at the end of their shows. Good show or bad, it was relaxing to take an extra ten minutes in quiet, listening to his own breath and fixing his makeup after sweating it off under the hot lights.

Re-powder, apply a different shade of lipstick to match his post-show look, hydrate, fix smudged eyeliner, breathe, bronze, blush, and breathe some more. It was a wondrous system, really.

The knock on the door would have normally startled Taako. Now, calm and content, he simply sighed.

“Come in,” Taako called. “I’m not naked yet, don’t wo-”

Sazed.

Sazed was standing in his doorway. A delighted smirk stretched on his face when Taako’s surprised squeak shut him up.

“That’s a shame,” the man laughed. He let himself in and shut the door.

_ Stand up. Get him out. Call Lup. Scream. Call Magnus. Fight back. Call Merle. Call the police. Fucking DO SOMETHING. _

Taako nodded, unable to find his words or feel his fingers.

“This is an alright place,” Sazed sniffed unpleasantly, glancing around the room and landing on the mess of makeup on the counter. “You should clean all that up.”

“I was gonna, I…” Taako wheezed. Why couldn’t the air get out of his lungs?  _ Why couldn’t he breathe?  _

“Whatever. Where’s your pals, eh?” Sazed continued, “I caught the end’a your show. Still hanging out with Magnus and Merle. Your sister, too, and that Benny.”

“Barry.”

“Right, right. Who’s that other guy? Kravitz, you said? New guy you got to order you around? That’s how you like it - don’t think I forgot.”

“No, no,” Taako babbled. “No, he’s not…”

“Mm, good.”

“Good?”

“Well, yeah, Taako,” Sazed was touching him, his big hands locked around Taako’s limp wrists, pulling him up to stand in front of him. His hot breath hit his face uncomfortably. “I miss you, baby.”

Bile rose in Taako’s throat. 

He’d worked long and hard to forget the years of their relationship, but it was impossible. There were days, weeks, months, even, that Taako couldn’t recollect any part of, the moments lost to the power of repression. He was partially grateful that they were gone, because he remembered much, much more than he forgot. Blood, sharp pain, smiles on camera, bruises, apologies, crying,  _ rape _ , Taako knows the word for it now, he was  _ raped  _ and  _ abused _ , that’s what Lup said through her tears. _ No, no, that’s not possible. Sazed  _ loved _ him.  _

Sazed said he loved him, and he said it again then, pressing a gentle hand on Taako’s face and wiping away a tear Taako didn’t know he shed. There were lips on his, horrible and rough, but he couldn’t move and he couldn’t say no.  _ Why are you so weak? _

Sazed stepped away, smiling, and patted Taako’s cheek twice.

“You still have my number?”

“Yes,” it mortified him that it was true.

“Attaboy.”

Taako nodded, again, and then he was alone once more.

Taako turned to look in the mirror. Wet mascara lined his cloudy eyes, and his lips were an awkward, flushed pink. 

_ slut. whore. asking for it. asking for it. asking for it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY OF THE END OF THE CHAPTER: sazed shows up when taako is alone in the dressing room. taako panics and freezes. sazed kisses taako without his consent and leaves.


	4. lights up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> of karaoke and fights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! hope that last chapter wasn't too rough for you. im posting this one directly after so you aren't left with that awful moment.
> 
> title from lights up by harry styles
> 
> content warnings for the chapter:  
> panic attack, dissociation, alcohol use, brief flashback to physical abuse.
> 
> stay safe. you are loved.

“Taaaaaaakkooooooo!” Magnus drawled. “You made it!”

“It takes time to look this hot, big guy,” Taako slid into the crowded booth next to Kravitz. “Did I miss much?” Lup pushed a blue drink with a mini umbrella towards him.

“You’re, like, three drinks behind us, bub!”

“Oh, no!” Taako raised his voice in a false drama and brought the margherita to his lips. “How ever will we fix this?”

“Did somebody say Fireball shots?” The bartender approached the table with a tray of twelve shot glasses balanced on her hip.

“Uh, I don’t think-”

“I  _ definitely  _ heard someone say that!” Taako stood and helped her place the shots in front of everyone. “Thank you, Ren and your beautiful ears. Put it on Merle’s tab, my darling!”

“Wha-!”

“Thank you!” Taako shooed her away with a shoulder squeeze and a wink. He sat again, scooching just close enough to Kravitz that he could feel heat radiating from his thigh. “C’mon, gals and gays. Shots in three, two, one…” the table went silent as they all drank, slammed their glasses down.

“Jesus,” Kravitz coughed and reached for his water. “You all do this after every show?”

“No,  _ we  _ do this after every show. Get used to it, bones. You’re officially one of us,” Magnus raised his second shot, and everyone followed suit. “To Kravitz!”   
  


“To Kravitz!”

“L'Chaim!” Kravitz cheered. They clinked their glasses and drank.

One margarita turned to two, and two shots turned into four. It didn’t take long for their party to drift towards the karaoke machine - as it often did when they were happy-drinking. Merle gave a haunting rendition of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, followed by Lup and Barry’s traditional performance of “You’re The One That I Want” from Grease, and topped off by Magnus doing more crying than singing during “Falling” by Harry Styles. 

It took a shit-ton of teasing, begging, and prodding before the gang convinced Taako and Kravitz to perform. (Truth be told, Taako needed absolutely no convincing).

“‘Just Give Me a Reason’?”

“Don’t know it.”

“‘The Boy is Mine’? C’mon, a little Monica never killed nobody.” Kravitz scrunched up his nose and shook his head. “Ugh. ‘Beautiful Liar’? I’ll even let you be Beyonce!”

“These aren’t really my genre, Taako.”

“It’s karaoke! It transcends genre!” Kravitz laughed and turned back to the screen in front of them. 

“Wait!” Kravitz reached his arm around Taako’s shoulders to point at a selection. “There’s a ‘Kiss From a Rose’ duet!”

“Of course you’d pick Seal over Beyonce.” Taako clicked the song.

“Any day, baby!” Kravitz giggled over the opening instrumentals and their friends’ drunken cheering. As Kravitz began to sing, Taako couldn’t help but gaze at him intently. He had noticed this earlier that evening, but when Kravitz got really into a song, he’d close his eyes and smile in a way that felt intimate, private, like he was intruding on something. But Kravitz then opened his eyes, the line finished, and the smile stayed, but now for him. 

“ _ You became the light on the dark side of me! _ ” Distantly, Taako could hear Lup whooping, but his attention was focused on Kravitz only as they hit the chorus together.

“ _ Now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grey! _ ” They finished together.

“God, go make out already!” Lup yelped from where she sat on top of a nearby table. Before Taako could deliver a snappy retort or flash her the finger, Kravitz was laughing loudly, wrapping his arms around Taako’s waist, and pulling him flush against him to leave a wet, sloppy kiss on his cheek. Taako found himself screeching a laugh and pushing Kravitz’s chest lightly to give the appearance of resistance. Kravitz raised the bar microphone to his mouth for the next verse, but his other hand stayed on Taako’s waist while he began to sway behind him.

It was nice. Comfortable.

The success of their flirty performance lead to an encore consisting of “Take Me Or Leave Me” from  _ RENT _ \- soon enough, though, Lup was dragging Taako offstage, and Merle was insisting that he and Kravitz do “Old Town Road”.

“Two strawberry acai margs, please!” Lup called to Ren as she pulled Taako down onto a barstool. A wicked grin spread across her face. “So.”

“...So? What’s up, Lulu?”

“You looked like you were having fun up there.”

“I was? What’s your point?”

“I just mean - thanks, hun,” Ren handed them their glasses. “I just mean that you and Kravitz seem to be getting pretty close. That’s all!”

“Yeah, I mean, he’s nice,” Taako couldn’t help but smile. Blame the alcohol.

Lup’s smile softened. She placed a gentle hand on his knee and squeezed.

“I like this for you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Taako lied.

“Well…” Lup sighed. “After, um… everything that happened with, uh, Sazed, I’m glad that-”

“What?”   
  


“Listen, Taako-”

“Why would you-” Taako stood quickly, knocking over his half-empty glass and spilling ice and strawberry chunks all over the bar. “Sorry, I’m - why would you say that, I…”

“Sit down, Koko, you’re making a scene. I’m trying to be nice here, babe,” Taako shook his head, his breath picking up. He was suddenly incredibly aware of how many eyes - drunk patrons, Ren, his  _ friends _ \- were on him.

“I’m not making a  _ scene _ , you’re the bitch bringing up - bringing up...” Taako stepped backwards into the stool and fumbled around it.

“You can’t talk to me like that!”

“Yeah, and  _ you  _ can’t live without someone taking care of you every fucking day! That’s why you were so fucking depressed when I was with him!”

“You think I helped you two break up because I was fucking codependent? Are you fucking stupid?”

“All you do is think about yourself!”

“All I do is think about  _ you _ ! He was hurting you, Taako!”

“All you do is hurt me!” Taako shouted, his chest heaving. Lup sighed.

“Honey. You need to calm down.”

“I don’t have to do a goddamn thing. Stop meddling in my life and get your own!” Taako knew there were angry, scared tears collecting in his eyes, but he couldn’t stop himself. Lup slammed her glass down and stood. She grabbed his loose Hawaiian shirt and yanked him towards her.

“Taako-”

“Don’t!” He pushed her away and scrambled out of her grip. Air caught in his lungs as the hands of his sister were suddenly Sazed’s, the calming words he could hear her mumbling, distantly, were overpowered by yelling and screaming. The fury in Lup’s eyes flashed to confusion, and then turned to an understanding - a sadness.

“Taako, I wasn’t gonna hurt you,” she spoke lowly, as though trying to calm a wild animal.

“I was - I was…” With everyone’s eyes on him, Taako turned on his heel and fled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter. it was rough, but i promise, it only goes up from here. sorta. 
> 
> twitter: @cogeneraIs  
> tumblr: @alltears


	5. ultraviolence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> taako's phone is going to voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! soooo yesterdays chapters were hard. todays chapter will also be hard. tomorrows chapter? NOT HARD! dare i say... FUN!
> 
> chapter title: ultraviolence by lana del rey
> 
> the song kravitz sings later in the chapter is also ultraviolence
> 
> content warnings for the chapter:  
> issues with self-worth, mentions of gaslighting, slut-shaming, vague explanations of past physical/emotional/sexual abuse, allusions to dissociation, brief panic attack, vomiting. if these trigger you, please do not read. taako talks about his relationship with sazed in this chapter, hence the explanation piece. stay safe. you are worthy.

One day passed. Lup had called him at least 20 times and left hundreds of texts.

\---

A second day gone. Taako missed rehearsal. When Lup and Magnus went to his apartment, he wasn’t home.

\---

A third day. A second missed rehearsal.

\---

“I don’t know what to do, Bear, he won’t talk to me, and I’m… I’m worried he’s hurting himself,” Lup whispered into Barry’s arm. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder against a wall in their rehearsal space, delaying the start of the practice in the hopes that Taako might show up. Her fave was pressed into the sleeve of his tee-shirt.

“He’s probably just blowing off steam,” Barry mumbled, but they both knew he didn’t believe it. “What were you guys even fighting about? I haven’t seen you like that since…”

“I brought up Sazed, ‘cause I’m a fucking idiot,” she continued on, ignoring his noise of protest. “I think he thought I was gonna…”

“Hit him?”   
  


“Yeah,” her voice wavered.

Merle clapped his hands twice to get their attention. 

“Kids, I know we’re all…” He shook his head. “It’s ten-after-two. We gotta get started.”

“We can’t have rehearsal without our bass player, Pops,” Magnus argued from his drum kit stool.

“I know, but we’ll, uh,” Merle glanced around the room until he spotted Kravitz bent over sheet music on the giant shitty rug they placed to act as their “stage” after Barry slipped on grease from derby and sprained his wrist. “We’ll focus on Taako’s songs that don’t have bass! All his sad ones, and the ones where he wants to jump around the stage a bunch. Kravitz can sing them.”

Magnus nodded reluctantly and grabbed his drumsticks.

“Does anyone have sheet music I can read off of?” 

Barry nudged Lup off his shoulder and stood. She raised her hands towards him and made grabbing motions until he took her hands and pulled her up from the floor. In response to Kravitz, she jogged to the rug and dug through her tote bag, soon pulling out a thick folder labelled “TAAKO SONGS” and handing it to him. 

“Left pocket has the songs without bass.” Kravitz nodded and began flipping through the sheets while everyone else began to warm up.

“Great workmanship today, guys. We’ll figure it out. Kravitz, let’s just start with whatever’s on top there, okay?” Merle nodded at him.

“Okay, yeah, its, uh… Sorry, I can’t read his handwriting,” Kravitz squinted at the paper. “Ultraviolet. No, Ultraviolence, sorry.”

“Oh,” Lup frowned. “That’s a really personal song, I don’t think we should do it without him.”

“It’s just for rehearsal, hon,” Merle met her frown with sad eyes and a sympathetic smile.

“I don’t want to overstep my bounds,” Kravitz spoke into the microphone. 

“It’s fine, Krav, I was being…” She shook her head and began playing. “It’s fine.”

“ _ He used to call me DN - that stood for deadly nightshade, ‘cause I was filled with poison, but blessed with beauty and rage - Jim told me that. He hit me and it felt like a kiss… _ ” Kravitz stopped, unsure of himself. “Sorry, I’ll - _ This is ultraviolence, ultraviolence, ultraviolence, ultraviolence. I can hear sirens, sirens. He hit me and it felt like a kiss. _ God, I can’t be - Taako!”

The song came to a screeching halt as they all looked up from their instruments and music to find Taako, dressed in a large sweatshirt and joggers with heavy bags under his eyes, standing in front of them. That same dazed, flighty look that Lup saw the last time they spoke was present still as he stared at the music in Kravitz’s hand - or, not  _ at _ it, exactly, because his eyes were far too glazed and blank for him to actually be focused in.

“Taako? Buddy?” Magnus stood and started towards him. Taako snapped out of his catatonic state with a jump, and immediately began hyperventilating.

“Honey-”

“I’m sorry, Taako, I shouldn’t have sang that!”

As he is clearly want to do, Taako took off towards the bathrooms to avoid further hurt or confrontation. 

“Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea, Merle!” Lup yelled. She left her violin on the ground haphazardly and set after him.

“Stay here, boys,” Merle scrubbed a hand over his face and followed after them. A wave of protectiveness flowed through him; Kravitz dropped the sheet music and moved to go after Taako, but found himself blocked by Magnus holding his arms out instead.

“Krav, just leave him alone right now.”

“No, I need to apologize, I-I fucked up,” Kravitz stepped to pass him, but Magnus followed his movement.

“Leave him alone. He’s with Lup and Merle. He’ll be alright.”

When Lup and Merle burst into the bathroom, they were both overwhelmed by the sight, sound, and smell of Taako puking in the sink.

“Jesus, kid, you couldn’t make it to the toilet?” Merle sighed. Despite his snark, he walked to the sink and brushed Taako’s hair out of his face. When Taako flinched at the initial touch, Merle placed a light, gentle hand on Taako’s back soothingly. 

Taako heaved a final time and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Take a seat,” Merle urged, gesturing to the tile floor. Horrifyingly, Taalo actually took his advice instead of scrunching up his nose and whining about dirt or unknown wet substances. He scooched backwards until he hit a wall and pulled up his knees to his chest. Merle and Lup, who had yet to say a word or unclench her arms from where they tightly hugged her own torso, exchanged a look as they sat down across from him. “I’m an old man. I can’t sit on the floor like this.”

“Sorry, Merle.”

The honesty in his words made Lup’s stomach ache.

“Taako,” she spoke at last. “Please talk to us, okay? No lies, no jokes.”

“No lies, no jokes,” Taako agreed. He took a deep breath, let it out, and started. “I saw Sazed.”

Taako watched mutely as Lup gasped and brought a hand to her mouth. Merle blinked down at the floor, took a moment to collect himself, and gazed at him with a new intensity.

“When?”

“After the show, Friday.”

“What, before the bar?” Lup questioned.

“Yeah, he,” Taako swallowed. “He came to the dressing room after you guys left.”

“Did he touch you?” Merle has always been straightforward, blunt to a fault. Taako stayed silent. “Son, did he touch you?”

_ Slut. _

“Yes,” he whispered.

“Fuck,  _ fuck _ , I’m gonna kill that motherfucker!” 

“Later, Lup,” Merle winced. “Taako, I hate to ask this, but I need to know. Did he hit you?”

“No.”

“How did he touch you, then?”

_ Whore. _

“He…” Sensing his mind was drifting, Lup grabbed his hand and squeezed to anchor him.

“Stay with me, bub. Where did he touch you?”

“He kissed me,” Taako’s voice cracked. Tears that hadn’t been there a second ago suddenly wet his cheeks. “I didn’t want it, but I didn’t… I couldn’t speak.”

_ Asking for it. _

“Taako,” Merle’s voice was grave and low. “Did he do anything else?”

_ Slut. _

“Like what?”

_ Whore. _

“You know what I’m asking, Taako.”

_ Asking for it. _

“...No. He just kissed me, that’s it.”

Lup released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

“Lup, I’m sorry for Friday, I shouldn’t have said all that shit. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“No, Taako, I should be apologizing. I’m sorry you didn’t think you could come to me about this shit.”

“I knew I could! I was just… I was scared you’d be mad. I don’t know why.”

“You know why, love. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. Taako,” she squeezed his hand again. “This was not your fault. Say it.”

“What?”

“Say that. Out loud.”

“...It wasn’t my fault.”

Lup smiled. “Good.”

The door behind Lup and Merle creaked open, and Kravitz popped his head in the door. Seeing Lup’s light expression, he cracked it open a hair more and smiled hesitantly. 

“Hey, guys… Can I come in?”

“Yeah, c’mon in! Join the terrordome!” Taako laughed half-heartedly and wiped at his eyes. “Can you give us a sec?” He waved off Lup and Merle, who both left after kissing his cheek (Lup) and giving his knee a paternal pat (Merle).

“It smells like vomit in here,” Kravitz said once he was settled where Lup had just sat.

“Fuck, sorry, my dude. You can leave, if you want. I don’t need a babysitter, or whatever.”

“What?” Kravitz shook his head. “I’m here by choice, Taako. I wanted to apologize.”

Taako blinked at him blankly.

“For singing that song, especially without your permission,” he clarified. “It was personal, and wrong. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, that. It’s okay, honestly. I’ve performed it, so it’s not like it’s  _ that  _ personal,” he shrugged.

“I’m still sorry.” Taako smiled.

“Thank you.”

“If you ever wanna… talk about it, I’m here,” Kravitz coughed out a laugh. “I don’t even know what ‘it’ is, but I’m still here.”

Taako didn’t respond, not at first, seemingly turning screws in his head as he weighed his options.

“I was in a bad relationship.”

“I have to admit, I sorta pieced that together.”

“Right. Duh,” Taako shifted uncomfortably. “Sorry, I’ve never actually told this to people. ‘Cause, like, Maggie, Merle, and Lup knew me through it, and Lup told Barry, so I’ve never actually told the story. It might not be narratively sound, uh… Okay, here’s what I’ll say; I was in a really, really bad relationship. I didn’t know then but… I know that now. Usually. He would, uh, hurt me. He was manipulative, and greedy, and fucking mean. He was abusive, um, physically, too. I thought that if I didn’t have him to love me, then I’d have no one. I forgot that Magnus, Merle, and Lup had loved me before I even met him. 

“I stopped talking to them all when I was with him. They - Lup, especially - kept telling me how bad he was for me, how I seemed sad and scared around him, but I wouldn’t hear it, so I cut them off. It was torture.”

“How long were you together?” Kravitz’s voice was soft and calming - so calming that it almost distracted Taako from the painfulness of his answer.

“Four years.” Kravitz sucked in a breath, but didn’t say anything. “I saw him Friday, which is why I was - the way I was. I’m just scared of losing them all again, I guess.”

“I’m so sorry you went through that, Taako.”

“You and me both, babe,” Kravitz didn’t laugh. “The worst of it now is just trying to figure out… what’s real, I guess. When you’re being gaslighted for so long, it’s like, I don’t know what’s true all the time, you know?” Kravitz nodded. “After I saw him, it was like…  _ Was  _ he abusive?  _ Did  _ I want him to touch me? It’s scary. Not being able to trust your own mind.”

“That sounds terrifying. God, Taako, I’m so sorry,” Taako took a moment to study Kravitz’s face. His eyes were wide and glassy, and his lips were parted slightly in what must’ve been shock. Suddenly, embarrassment coursed through him.

“You’re apologizing a lot for something you didn’t do. You don’t have to do that,” Taako stared down at his hands resting in his lap. “That was too much to dump on you, huh?”

Kravitz’s brow furrowed. Quickly, an understanding dawned on him and he shook his head dismissively.

“Taako, I said you could talk to me, and I meant it. I’m honored, actually, that you trusted me with this information. Does that sound dumb? That sounds dumb,” Kravitz laughed at himself awkwardly, all too aware of the absurdity of the situation. “Can I give you a hug?”

It was nice when people phrased it that way. “Do you want a hug” always fell flat for him, because the answer was almost always yes, but a refusal stumbled out of his mouth before he could really think about it. “Do you want a hug”? Of-fucking-course he does, but he’s not gonna just admit it like some honest, emotionally stable person would. “Can I give you a hug?”. It’s entirely different. It takes the need for physical contact off of Taako, and suddenly he’s doing the other person a favor by crying into their neck for ten minutes straight.

Which is what happened. Taako planned on delivering a nonchalant, jokey response that would undoubtedly, naturally lead to a quick hug and then they’d both be on their way, but that fell short. He had opened his mouth to say  _ “well, if you insist” _ , yet took another look at Kravitz’s eyes crinkling against his unsure smile and felt tears well up again. It was impossible to know if it was Taako that fell into Kravitz or the other way around, but he found that he didn’t really care since Kravitz’s arms were tight and strong around the small of his back. Though his hands were cold, Taako felt warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally a chapter that ends hopefully! hope you enjoyed. as always, find me on twitter or tumblr!  
> twitter: @cogeneraIs  
> tumblr: @alltears


	6. flashlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> applebees and angus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h-hewwo?? yikes okay anyways hi!! i love this chapter cause its just a good ass time. love you all!
> 
> chapter title: flashlight by the front bottoms
> 
> content warnings for this chapter:  
> mentions of food and alcohol. people make responsible, healthy choices this chapter!!

Applebee’s was not built for the raw energy of Taako, Magnus, Merle, Kravitz, Lup, and Barry’s combined chaotic power - especially not when they were celebrating. And celebrating they were! The group laughed and cheered as Barry took two tries to blow out the single candle haphazardly stuck in a melting lava cake.

“What’d you wish for, baby?” Lup slung her arm around his broad shoulders and tousled his hair.

“He can’t say or the wish won’t come true!” A high voice chirped from in front of the table. Everyone turned to face to voice and was immediately met with the sweet sight of-

“Angus!” Taako yelped with glee. He quickly shoved Magnus and Kravitz out of the booth to stand and lift Angus from the ground. Killian, holding Angus’ hand, laughed and let go with no hesitation; Taako was nothing if not a dope fake uncle. Angus giggled as Taako spun him in a circle. “How goes it, little man?”   
  


“Good! Oh, happy birthday, Barry!” Angus grinned at Barry from across the table. Killian and Carey, numb to the seizure of their child, slid into the booth opposite of where Taako sat again, now with a talkative eight-year-old on his lap.

“Thanks, Ango. I’m glad you guys could make it.”

“Us, too! I swear, the only times we get out of the house nowadays is for roller derby or driving Angus to school,” Killian shook her head, exasperated, but her fond smile undercut any annoyance. 

“You’ve gotta see us perform with our new line-up! We’ve done a couple of shows already, and it kicks major ass,” Lup began rattling off abridged (for Angus’ sake) tales of recent gigs and shows Killian and Carey had missed.

“Who are these people?” Kravitz whispered into Taako’s ear suddenly.

“Oh fuck! Where are our manners? Lup, shut up,” Taako clinked his fork into his glass until Lup rolled her eyes and paused her story. “Kravitz, this is Killian, Carey, and Angus.”

“Nice to meet you, Kravitz,” Carey smiled. “We didn’t know Taako had a new boyfriend! God, how much have we missed?” 

“Oh, uh,” Kravitz started over Lup’s horribly unsubtle cackling. “Nice to meet you, too. I’m just in Starblaster, not, uh…”

“Shit, sorry,” Carey chuckled awkwardly. “Don’t know why I assumed.”

“What do you do for Starblaster, sir?” Angus quipped.

“I sing and write songs.”

“I thought you did that, Taako?” Angus tilted his head backwards to look up at Taako, who pushed his head back down.

“Things change, bubbeleh. Eat some fruit,” Taako plucked a strawberry from the fruit cup he ordered and dropped it into Angus’ hand. He glanced apologetically at Kravitz, feeling guilty over his past actions, but was simply met with an amused smirk. Kravitz shook his head, dismissing Taako’s worry, and stretched his arm out on the padding behind Taako’s shoulders. If either of them shifted a couple inches, they’d be mirroring Barry and Lup exactly, and-

Nope. Not thinking that.

Taako forced himself to focus on the conversation that had continued without him.

“-superstition! There’s no reason to hide your wishes, your  _ desires _ ! It’s bullshit!” 

“Magnus. Magnus. He’s a child,” Killian calmed.

“I didn’t wish for anything, guys! I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of right here,” Barry grinned at Lup, wide and cheesy, and kissed her forehead.

“I can’t believe my sister is a het,” Taako fake gagged. “A heterosex-“ he gagged again. “Fuck, I can’t even say it!”

Lup laughed and flashed him a middle finger, and  _ wait holy fucking shit is that-? _

“Is that a ring?” Merle exclaimed, pointing at a silver band around Lup’s fourth finger.

“Holy shit!” Magnus dove over the table to grab at her hand and inspect it. He either didn’t realize that his elbow was now covered in ketchup or he didn’t care. “That’s a ring! Are you guys-?”

Barry and Lup, flustered and red in the face at the unexpected attention, looked at each other in panic before resigning, in unison, “we’re engaged!”.

The table exploded in cheers (Merle and Carey), tears (Magnus and Angus), shocked gasps (Kravitz and Killian), and anger (Taako).

“How could you not tell me? When did this - What the  _ fuck _ ?” Taako was laughing, he was pretty sure, but given Lup’s surprised look, he might have been crying. He brought a hand up to his cheek and confirmed that yes, those were tears. “Fucking - sorry for the language, Ango, I’m - Whoa.”

“You okay, Koko? ‘Cause Barry has my heart, but you-” Lup asked. She was actually worried about him, about what he might think,  _ fuck _ .

“I  _ am  _ your heart, I know. I’m just…” he wiped his face. “I’m so happy for you! Both of you, holy shit. I think I’m in shock.”

Lup smiled then, brighter and happier than Taako had ever seen from her in their entire lives.

“I couldn’t help but overhear,” their waiter approached the table excitedly, balancing eight flutes full of bubbling champagne on their hip precariously. “Congrats on the engagement! I hope you all like free champagne!” They laughed, setting the glasses down on the edge of the table so Killian could pass them around, and left with a wink. Killian held a glass out to Taako.

“Give mine to Lup,” Taako insisted.

“Taako, we don’t have to drink if you-” Damn Lup and her sixth sense for a distressed Taako.

“It’s free alcohol and a double celebration! You all have fun!” He laughed and waved his hand. Killian shrugged and placed it in front of Kravitz instead. He frowned down at it, then shook his head.

“Barry can have mine, then,” Kravitz decided. He slid the drink carefully to Barry’s spot with a soft smile.

“You don’t have to do that,” Taako mumbled to him lowly. Kravitz just shook his head again and moved the arm behind Taako to rest on his arm sweetly, and…

_ Oh. _

They were practically cuddling, in front of God and the patrons at Applebee’s, with Taako tucked into his side and a comfortable weight around his shoulders anchoring him to the moment. 

Weird fucking night.

It was strange, their relationship. Taako had met Kravitz… what, a month ago? Already, Kravitz had somehow broken down Taako’s expansive amount of walls. It had taken knowing Barry for a year before he allowed Lup to explain the Sazed drama to him, and they were going to be brothers for Christ’s sake.  _ Vulnerability isn’t a curse word.  _ That’s what Magnus told him the night he left Sazed, and Taako hadn’t stopped thinking of it in the two years since. 

That’s how Kravitz made Taako feel, really, and he didn’t really hate it. To be simultaneously unguarded  _ and _ safe was thrilling. Being known to your core is miserable. It’s truth being honesty; even if you were to lie, you couldn’t get away with it, because they could tell in an instant.

Lup knew him, and Lup loved him. Magnus and Merle were close behind her.

No one had made it this close to Taako so quickly. No one but Kravitz.

Taako covered Angus’ ears and leaned his chin onto Kravitz’s shoulder so his lips were nearly touching the nape of his neck.

“Will you take me home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned... ;)


	7. you're my world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a night at taako's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! sorry for the late update, this one took longer to write. 
> 
> chapter title: you're my world by atlas
> 
> content warnings for the chapter:   
> discussions of rape, sexual assault, physical and emotional domestic abuse. alcohol consumption.  
> stay safe. you are loved.

“Malbec? Petit Verdot? What’s your type, bones?” Taako waltzed around his kitchen with ease, pulling cups and bottles from various cabinets. Balancing three unopened wine bottles and two stemmed glasses in his arms, he whirled around to face an awkward Kravitz.

Upon arriving at Taako’s apartment, Kravitz was guided to a stool at the kitchen island and assured he’d be taken care of. It was pleasant, watching Taako in his most natural habitat, but he felt awfully out of place in the new environment, especially after Taako received some life-changing news.

“None for me, thanks,” Kravitz said politely, wringing his hands under the island.

“You sure? I stole the Verdot from the Olive Garden,” Taako sang, setting down the load in front of Kravitz.

“I’m sure, thank you,” Kravitz laughed and helped him place everything neatly. Taako shrugged and put his hands on his hips.

“I’m  _ trying _ to be a good host, but suit yourself, doll.”

“Taako?”

“Hm?”

“Why am I here?” Taako stopped abruptly.

“Do you… want to leave?” He frowned.

“No, I don’t think so,” Kravitz didn’t want to bring this up, but he felt like he had to. “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

The light air Taako had about him was gone in an instant. Whatever magical spell was keeping him happy and easy-breezy vanished, and Kravitz was left with a dull, sad expression on Taako’s face and a feeling that he had done something horribly wrong. Without another word, Taako swiped the Malbec off the table by its neck and walked ten feet to plop himself onto the worn couch in his living room. He exhaled out of his nose and kicked his feet up on a pink plastic coffee table.

The apartment’s decor was not unlike how Taako dressed himself: bold, brash, and often times confusing. The coffee table hardly looked out of place in context, what with the seemingly infinite collection of movie and band posters that plastered every piece of wall available or multiple patterned rugs that overlapped each other.

It was when Taako uncorked the wine and took a sip that Kravitz felt he had to step in. He exchanged the red barstool he’d been sitting on for a place next to Taako on the couch, leaving enough room in between them for Taako to feel comfortable. Hopefully.

“His name is Sazed.”

“Who?”

Taako gave him a pointed look before turning back to stare at the black screen of the powered-off television, presumably to avoid eye contact.

“Oh.”

“I went to culinary school with him. He was a sophomore when I was freshman. He… wasn’t very good at cooking,” Taako huffed a laugh. “But I was. I’m not just saying that, either. I’m baller as hell, Kravitz.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“Good. That’s good. Your brownies were better than his,” Taako paused, and Kravitz waited. “I got attention, which was new for me. A  _ lot  _ of attention, from teachers, students… He noticed. He was really fucking nice, honestly, always complimenting me and asking to hang out or buy me coffee… I was just some lonely, stupid virgin that didn’t know that people other than Lup would be nice to me. 

“So, we started dating the summer before my sophomore year. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t… We had a guest chef come in one day. He was a big deal for the local scene, but his agent-manager person represented people from, like,  _ Chopped  _ and shit. We got to talking, and he tried some of my signature dishes and… and he wanted me to do a cooking show. On the fuckin’ Food Network.”

“That’s huge! Holy shit!”

“I know! I would have been insane not to take it, right?”

“Yeah, you… Wait, did you have a show on the Food Network?”

“We shot a pilot, and it was incredible. We got a first season ordered and everything!”

“But…?”

“But then Sazed wanted a piece. Wanted us to be co-hosts, but like I said, he can’t cook for shit. He wasn’t exactly the king of charisma, either. I said no, and he got… angry. Insults turned to threats, threats turned to reality. He… Sazed would… If I made him mad, he’d hurt me. I didn’t think anything of it, not really. I thought I deserved it.

“It started getting easier to get him angry, though, to the point where if I’d, like, breathe too loudly then I was distracting him and needed to be put in my place. I couldn’t do anything without his permission. The show got cancelled because I “lost my spark”. Things didn’t get better with him, even without the show. Now I had ruined  _ both  _ our shots at acclaim, so I deserved to be screamed at, to be hit, to be…” Taako sputtered, unable to say the word. Kravitz, who Taako was discovering was an excellent listener, slowly reached out to rest a comforting hand on Taako’s knee. “Raped.”

Kravitz turned his face away, but his hand on Taako remained. 

“I hate saying it. Every time I say it, it just feels so real. I don’t want it to be real,” Kravitz squeezed his leg. “At this point, Sazed was the only person I spoke to. I couldn’t talk to Magnus and Merle because they were bad influences, I couldn’t see Angus because he was too smart and would know something was up, and I couldn’t see Lup because she  _ already  _ knew Sazed sucked, but I didn’t see it. I didn’t speak to them for over a year. I missed Carey and Killian’s wedding. I missed Barry and Lup dating. The band was finally getting attention, and then we were on pause. It was awful, Kravitz. Fucking awful.

I stayed. I didn’t know how to leave, I-I  _ couldn’t  _ leave! I was miserable, depressed and anxious and so fucking lonely. A year. 

“One night, it went too far. Well, it was always too far, but this was different. I met his parents - we all got dinner together - and I “embarrassed” him, because I made jokes about his cooking and his job, which was some shitty bus boy gig. It was the worst I had ever seen him. He raped me, obvi, but he… he broke my nose, and he choked me. Like, full-on choking, not some cutesy light stuff vanilla folks do when they’re feeling saucy. I thought he was gonna kill me. But he didn’t, and he started…” Taako could tell he was starting to break down. Tears filled his eyes as he continued. “He started crying and apologizing, and he told me that he loved me. I told him I loved him, too, and I said it was okay. Once he fell asleep, I packed a backpack full of my important shit and booked it to Lup’s apartment. She took care of me, and she reported him to the police. He served seven months in jail on a minor assault charge. When he came to the show, I hadn’t seen him for… two years, I think. I thought I was over it all, but seeing him… It’s like I was right back in it.”

“That makes sense.”

“I just feel…” Taako swiped at his eyes and shook his head. “I feel fucking  _ weak _ . He almost killed me, and I told him I loved him. Isn’t that pathetic?”

“You’re not pathetic, Taako, you’re a survivor,” Taako recoiled into himself.

“I don’t wanna be.”

“...Taako, do I need to call someone?”

“What?” Taako sat back up. “I didn’t mean anything bad. I wish I didn’t have to be a survivor of anything. I’d rather it never happened. Would you call me brave or strong if I never met Sazed?”

“I would.”

“Well,” Taako huffed. “You’re probably the exception, then.”

Kravitz laughed, warm and welcoming. It made Taako’s chest heat up. How had Kravitz stayed calm that entire story? Taako’s life was eight kinds of fucked-up, he had just spilled it all, and Kravitz was virtually unaffected. Or, no, that wasn’t right, because his eyes were definitely glassy and his hands were trembling as Taako took them in his. He was upset, but he was still there, still smiling, still reassuring without saying a word. 

Taako leaned in.

“Wait,” Kravitz let go of Taako’s hand to press against his shoulder, keeping him inches away. 

“Shit. Shit, shit, sorry,” Taako scrambled backwards to the opposite side of the couch. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s fine! I want… Taako, I really, really like you,” Kravitz’s face warmed. “But I can’t kiss you, not when you’re like this. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Oh,” Taako’s face went blank. He hadn’t considered that. “It’s… just a consent thing?”

“I wouldn’t say ‘just’, but yes,” Kravitz affirmed. Taako nodded slowly, thinking it over. 

“You’re perfect,” Taako leaned in again, instead pressing his forehead into Kravitz’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around his chest and effectively koala-ing him. Though Taako couldn’t see it, Kravitz smiled softly. He pulled Taako in closer.

“I’m not. It’s just the respect you deserve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed :) next chapter might be a bit of a wait, im a busy gal!


	8. medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've had a few, got drunk on you, and now im wasted  
> and when i sleep im gonna dream of how you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im ALIVE!!!!! so heres the sitch. my sister had the coronavirus! so that was taking up my time! we're all okay, luckily, so don't worry about it lol.  
> i hope you like the chapter! no trigger warnings apply for this one, except it is very flirtatious and the chapter contains lots of mentions of sex.
> 
> the song taako sings is by harry styles! i would def recommend watching this video, cause its totally how i picture taako in this au anyways! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWGq_hp0XSI
> 
> chapter title from medicine by harry styles
> 
> enjoy :)

Taako made it a point to ignore the looks Lup had been giving him all morning. In hindsight, he should have expected that arriving with Kravitz to rehearsal would present as mildly suspicious to his friends. Of course, it would prove to be even more suspicious since everyone saw them leave together from Applebee’s the night before. And it certainly didn’t help that Kravitz, who refused to wear the same thing two days in a row, had borrowed some of Taako’s clothes. Since Taako was at least two sizes smaller than him, though, his only option was a large white tee shirt that screamed “ASK ME ABOUT MY BOOTY” in a neon pink font with a little drawing of a pirate on the back. There was no universe out there in which that could have come from Kravitz’s closet - multiverse theory be damned.

It’s not like it was Lup’s business, either. It wasn’t his friends’ business that Kravitz spent the night at his apartment. In his bed. Just like it wasn’t their business that Kravitz held him the whole night, but didn’t initiate anything beyond. Or that he didn’t make fun of Taako when he cried during a particularly tense scene of a “Community” rerun, either. Or that he didn’t sound judgey when looking through Taako’s closet for something he called “acceptable” (which, of course, was an impossible task). No one needed to know about that.

“Kravitz, can you come here for a sec? I wanted to ask you something,” Magnus called from across the warehouse. Kravitz sighed, but left Taako’s side to approach him.

“Is it about my booty?”

“It  _ is _ !” Taako tuned out the rest of their surely painful conversation to get ready for their ending rehearsal. He sat on the rug and started fiddling with the amps. They had been practicing for hours, preparing for the two shows they had the next day. They had ten minutes left of rehearsal, and  _ still  _ Lup and complained enough about being hungry for a snack break.

“Did Kravitz sleep at your apartment last night?” Lup whispered eagerly.

“Don’t you have some Cheetos to eat?”

“Ugh, yes,” she paused and picked up an open bag of Cheetos from the floor. Taako turned back to his amp, hoping that would at least put the conversation on pause. Taako was not very lucky that day. “But he totally did, didn’t he?”   
  


“Of course not. I have no idea what you’re talking about. That’s  _ his  _ shirt. Obvi,” Taako snarked back, sarcasm dripping off his tongue.

“Riiiiight,” Lup giggled. She nudged his shoulder with her sock-covered foot until he glared up. “Spill, Koko! It was good, right? I can’t imagine he’d be bad… no man dresses like that without knowing how to fi-”   
  


“Stop!” Taako squaked, scrambling up and covering her mouth with his hands. Lup licked his palm and he jerked away with a huff. “You’re a pig.”

“C’mon, Taako! Are you guys dating now?”

“No! Lup,” Taako put his face in his hands. This wasn’t really something he’d considered before.  _ Were  _ they dating? They were something, at least. “He slept over, but nothing happened.”

Lup raised an eyebrow. She crossed her arms over her stomach.

“I… told him about Sazed. All of it.”

“Whoa!” Lup’s jaw dropped. “How did he take it? Are you okay?”   
  
“I’m fine. Not in the way where I  _ say  _ I’m fine but I’m really not, either, like,” Taako pulled his messy hair out of the scrunchied bun it sat in on the top of his head. He self-consciously pulled at a length of his hair, twisting it around his fingers as he thought. “He was really nice about it. And… This is embarrassing, Lup, I don’t know.”

“What, did you tell him you loved him or some shit?” Taako barked out a shocked laugh.

“God, no!” He bit his lip. “When I said I liked how respectful he was, he told me it was just what I deserved. He’s… I think Kravitz is the first person I met after Sazed that has seen me like that.”

“What, as a person?” Taako laughed again.

“I guess, yeah. That’s pretty dumb, huh?”   
  


“Of course not! I love you so much, Taako, so if he makes you-”

“Shut up.”

“...What?”

“No, I love you too, and stuff, but shut up. He’s staring at me.”

“What, Kravitz?” Lup turned her head. Taako frantically grabbed her shoulder with the hand not fiddling with his hair, keeping her attention on him.

“Don’t look, you goon!” Lup giggled and nodded. “Magnus is talking to him, and Kravitz is staring at me. He’s, like, smiling. What the hell?”   
  
“Are you just staring back?” Taako looked back at her. 

“Shit. Yeah, I am,” Taako met Kravitz’s eyes again and felt his cheeks warm. “I have an idea. Suggest we end with ‘Medicine’. Do it.”

“What?”   
  


“Okay, love you, Lup!” Taako clapped his hands twice, gathering the attention of everyone not already staring at him. “Let’s finish up, yeah? Okay? Okay!” He glanced pointedly towards his sister.

“Uh, cool! Let’s finish our set with ‘Medicine’?” Lup suggested, entirely unconvincing. However, it seemed to pass for Magnus and Barry, who both sat at their instruments and pulled out their instruments.

Oh, Krav,” Taako started, as though it had just suddenly occurred to him. He was a  _ much  _ better actor than his sister. “This is one of the songs that could do with a lower harmony, so could you just listen this first time? We can talk about it on the way out. Sound good?”

Kravitz nodded. He pulled a stool from the wall and set it a few feet from the edge of the rug, making himself into a mock audience.

“Ready, Maggie?”

“Hell yeah!” Magnus hit his drumsticks together four times, setting the tempo, and then he and Taako began playing. The bass line was intense, fast, and low, making for one of the more complicated lines Taako played in their standard repertoire. 

And then Taako started singing.

“ _ Here to take my medicine, take my medicine, treat you like a gentleman. Gimme that adrenaline, that adrenaline, think I’m gonna stick with it… _ ” Taako’s voice matched the bass line, low and sultry. Kravitz watched, mesmerized, as his eyes drifted shut and he began to sway slightly, subtly. “ _ Here to take my medicine, take my medicine, rest it on your fingertips… Up to your mouth, feelin’ it out, feelin’ it out…”  _ Taako lifted a finger in the air, twirled it, and brought it slowly to the corner of his mouth.

“ _ I’ve had a few, got drunk on you, and now I’m wasted, _ ” Lup joined in with a higher harmony. This song certainly didn’t call for violin, so Kravitz supposed that was all she was doing for this one. “ _ And when I sleep, I’m gonna dream of how you _ …”

An unsung “ _ tasted _ ” echoed around the room - at least for Kravitz - but that flew out of his mind when Taako at last opened his eyes to meet his own. Taako was gazing at him through long, delicate eyelashes. Kravitz wasn’t sure he was still breathing. In a blink, Taako was looking down at his fingers around the neck of his bass.

“ _ If you go out tonight, I’m goin’ out, ‘cause I know you’re persuasive. You got the salt, and I got me an appetite, now I can taste it, _ ” The sound was much more intense here, all heavy drums and an insistent bass. Kravitz desperately tried to hold onto the small part of his brain that was appreciating the musicality and quality of the piece, because the rest of his dumb, caveman brain was screaming at him to get in Taako’s damn pants already. 

“ _ You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh! _ ” How Taako managed to spin around on their mock stage while singing gorgeously and strumming perfectly was beyond him. “ _ You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh! _ ” They all back off of the chorus, quieting down and returning to the simpler beat from the first verse, and  _ fuck _ , Taako was looking at him again, breathless and grinning. Kravitz had cursed the gods for letting Taako look away so quickly before, but now he wished he would. Really, he didn’t need to look at himself to know he was flushed and wide-eyed. 

“ _ Tingle running through my bones, fingers to my toes, tingle running through my bones _ ,” Taako closed his eyes again, and Kravitz felt a second of momentary relief before realizing that he was to die sitting on a stool in a roller derby warehouse because Taako was most certainly grinding against his bass.

“Jesus, Taako, we don’t even have an audience right now!” Magnus yelled over the music. Taako just threw his head back and laughed.

“ _ The boys and girls are here! I mess around with him, and I’m okay with it _ …” Is this what he always looked like performing? Had Kravitz been missing out by standing in front of him all this time? He was suddenly aware that Taako was born to be center stage.

“ _ I’m coming down, I figured out I kinda like it. _ ” Taako was staring at him again, his hips still swaying against his bass to the beat. A grin broke out on his face. “ _ And when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you _ … ride it.”

Kravitz felt himself squeak, but it was (luckily) covered up by the chorus picking up again and Taako busying himself with the music. The rest of the song was a complete blur of Taako’s fingers, Taako’s hips, Taako’s voice, Taako’s hair,  _ Taako, Taako, Taako. _

It ended rather abruptly, leaving Kravitz scrambling to react normally.

“Wow. Wow!” Kravitz applauded awkwardly and then dropped his hands to his thighs. “That was great, guys, I’m… Yay!”

“Yay?” Barry chuckled. “Glad you liked it.”

“Yeah,” Kravitz looked back to Taako, who was smiling at him innocently. “I really liked it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! i think there will be one more chapter, but i haven't started writing it yet, so we'll see! kudos are appreciated, comments make me fall in love with you. <3

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked the chapter!  
> twitter: @trobed_  
> tumblr: @alltears  
> 


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